urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:futuretracyLindzLindzLindz2008-03-19T20:02:44Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:futuretracy:679why?2008-02-29T00:47:57Z2008-03-19T20:02:44ZMichelle Featherstone - Coffee & Cigarettes What a wonderful way to start my livejournal, right? Start with a wonderfully depressing "woe-is-me" blog.<br /><br /> This year has been horrible. I thought it was going to be just the first semester... And with the second one starting I thought that that meant I was getting a fresh new start. I knew that I had two trips to New York to look forward to, my 21st birthday, a new major... But it seems like it only lasted what, 3 weeks? Now I'm back to square one. I keep wondering what have I done to deserve this? Ya know? I feel like I've been a good person. Sure, I've done some things I would like to change, but hasn't everyone? What exactly did I do that God decided to right now make my life hell? <br /><br /> I seriously don't understand. I hate when people write these whole depressing blogs asking for attention, but I think I just need to write and get some things off my chest. I keep feeling like I can't get a break. Or that I can't catch my breath. I'm constantly being pulled under water and I'm fighting to reach up to get some air and I just can't do it. I keep fighting and fighting my way up to the top to breath but someone or something keeps stopping me from doing it. To be completely honest, the only time I have been able to catch my breath was when I was in New York.<br /><br /> I don't think anyone realizes just how much New York means to me. Seriously. The people and that place is the only thing that can make me really forget my problems and just have fun. I know that may sound weird or something, but its true. The only times that I laugh, and I mean really laugh and not have one single worry... except maybe a chance of a debacle. I am able to just be myself and have fun... <br /><br /> I wish that I could be excited to be coming up to New York a week from tomorrow. But unfortunately, I'm not. Don't get me wrong. I know that when I'm up there I'll be all excited and most of my anxiety will hopefully be gone. But I'll know that when I get back I'll have these same damn problems. I want to have so much fun in New York, but unfortunately, those things cost money. Money that I don't think I'm going to have. (I mean, let's be serious, I don't even know if I'm going to have money to pay this month's rent... let alone pay for show tickets...) It just sucks.<br /><br /> Ok, I'm done with all my woe-is-me crap. Sorry.